Natolie Webb

I dream I am standing in the middle of a vibrant floral meadow, a warm summer rain caressing my bare skin, which puckers with each drop. My arm is covered in goose bumps and as I shift my focus to the rain drops they change abruptly to steam under my gaze, rising in a dense fog from my skin. I am frozen in time, fascinated, as my vision becomes obscured by the mist and a sudden understanding makes my heart soar. I awaken excitedly, knowing I was summoned and slide from my bed without delay. As I stand, I allow my existential loneliness to slough from my body in the darkness, shedding it like a putrid second skin. I’ve carried it too long and am relieved to let it go.

From the window I see the sunrise barely beginning, its glow adding a glorious silhouette to the mountains beyond which it still lingers. I smile at the loss of my burden and the adventure to come. Anxious to get started, I dress hurriedly, and leave, slipping noiselessly into the stillness of the morning.

I walk swiftly through the meadow exhilarated by the feeling of lightness in my body. My feet, released from their usual burden now move effortlessly. The near silence of the sleeping world is disturbed only by the slight rustle of a soft breeze through tall grass and the rhythmic beat of my boots as they carry me closer to my Love. As the sun rises above the mountains, embracing the valley below with its golden light, the rising melody of birdsong fractures the quiet and replaces the peace with palpable joy.

Soon, I duck into the cool dark forest where I begin my ascent. My focused anticipation carries me up the sharp ascent of the trail until I emerge at the top of the tree line where rock meets dirt and forest becomes scrub. With my destination in sight my intensity increases and I scramble frantically over the rock face with growing excitement and anxiousness. My breath comes in a short choppy rhythm that lays bare my struggle, but I cannot delay. How can I rest when all I have yearned for is so close? I reach the summit and collapse, exhausted on the bare rock, fighting for breath and waiting feverishly for the gentle caress of my lover.

In spite of my haste in climbing, the wait is much longer than I had hoped. I lay with my eyes closed feeling my impatience crackle like electricity inside my skin. Each second feels like an interminable hour until finally… finally she comes.

I know she has arrived when I feel the mist descend. I sit up and shiver, not from the cool dampness but from the culmination of months of longing.

My now open eyes strain into the mist seeking the sight I had craved for so long. “Where are you, Love?” I hear myself whisper.

As if in response, a density begins to form, and I feel my tension grow but it extinguishes itself swirling back into wetness.

I moan despondently, “Don’t tease me, my Love, I’ve been waiting too long!” I try to seem cool but it’s not long before I lose my grip on discretion, calling out into the bleak emptiness, “Please!” It’s useless because I know she will take her time. She knows how the painful waiting affects me.

I lie there writhing and keening for her as she swirls around me condensing and dissipating until I’m barely able to restrain myself. And then just when my aching reaches a crescendo and I’m on the edge of despair, she comes to me fully embodied. I watch as the mist condenses into a flowing female form and floats gently into my waiting arms. She embraces me and I cry out as I feel my body break. I shatter into a million pieces which fall away down the mountain blowing everywhere, riding the wind and filling the cracks and crevices. I can feel each piece of myself and I have intimate knowledge of all of the places where I exist. I lie helpless until she beckons me, like an ethereal Pied Piper and when I obediently return to her, I become whole, once again.

How can I describe what happens next? It’s nearly impossible to understand. I become something and nothing. I merge with her and then with the mountains, the trees, the birds, the meadow, the grass, the flowers, the bees, all of the rivers, lakes and oceans. I am one with all of the earth and all of its beings. I feel myself expand to simultaneously contain and permeate all of it until I am no longer contained by the earth. I continue outward until I meld with all of the universe and beyond. She leads me onward until we stop expanding and compress once again. We pulsate like this from mind-blowingly small to mind-blowingly large, our intensity building and cascading over and over again in a place where no measurement of time exists.

In this blessed state of bliss there is no thought or emotion or physical sense. There is only oneness and love but I often wonder after emerging if the whole universe felt it. Because how could a love this strong not shake the universe from the depths of its core? How could all of existence not feel the enormity or intensity of our tryst?

Of the time passing, I have no knowledge but I regain my sense of ego, my ability to understand myself as a separate being with a body, to find myself lying languidly at the bottom of the waterfall that feeds the meadow stream. I have no idea how I got down the mountain but in my state of bliss anything feels possible and this unintentional relocation is nothing new.

The sun beats down in full force and I feel it’s heat too intensely. The solution is before me. I strip naked and dive into the clear mountain pool that forms at the base expecting it’s coolness to bring me back to the world. But it doesn’t. My state of bliss continues and I float listlessly, falling in and out of consciousness. I lose track of the passage of time until I notice the bright reflection of the moon on the surface of the water. It wavers and shimmers at me in the water and I feel her presence in its light. She is there reminding me I am human and have needs in spite of my recent contact with the divine.

I wrench myself from the water and feeling the chill night air and pull my clothes over my still wet skin. I can’t go home yet, I’m not ready to let go. It is a thing I am chronically abysmal at doing. Instead I curl up in the soft meadow grass and watch the stars move across the sky. When I fall asleep I dream once again of my love, meeting her this time at the edge of the galaxy where time does not exist. She caresses me and together we fill the universe with love.

Originally published here: https://medium.com/lit-up/into-the-mist-af5d12ca66f5