Sober

Whenever the memories threatened to arise, he suppressed them with a fierce desperation and a whole lot of alcohol. But now… The house was dry. He had checked all of his secret hiding places… Empty. Worse still, it was Sunday. He was out of options for a few hours.

Hands shaking, mind racing, he paced back and forth until the walls threatened to close in on him. He put on his coat and left the apartment, without bothering to change out of yesterday’s clothes. He strode across the porch and down the front steps and then his feet hit the sidewalk and everything went blank.

The first thing he noticed when he regained consciousness was that his shaking had stopped. In fact, he felt calm, peaceful even… And then he saw her. She stepped out of nothing to become something and stood before him beautiful and terrifying.

He cowered before her but when she spoke he felt only her love, “I was watching you. You’ve made a mess of things.”

“I know,” he attempted but failed to choke back a sob, “I couldn’t live with what I did to you.”

“And before that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Before you killed me driving drunk… What was your reason for being out of control?”

“I couldn’t live with myself. I was afraid I would end up like my parents.”

“It was only through avoidance that you did end up like them.”

He sobbed harder, expecting her wrath but she didn’t condemn him. She bent to comfort him. Eventually, after a very long time, his tears subsided. He looked up at her questioningly, “Am I dead?”

“No. Not yet. Do you wish you were?”

“I don’t want to go back. It’s too painful.”

“You can’t stay.”

He sobbed again, “Please. Don’t make me go back.”

“It’s not up to me. You have to complete your life’s work.”

“No. No no no no no…”

“Peter,” she bent closer to him taking his face in her hands and turning it gently so his eyes met hers. The peaceful feeling instantly returned and he felt fortified. “You have to go back and you have to get help. You have to learn to live with the past. You can do this. It’s your purpose. You will understand when the time is right. This is what I was sent to tell you.”

He blinked up at her. Somehow he knew she was right. He took a deep breath and spoke, “Ok,” it was all he needed to say.

“You won’t remember this consciously but you’ll make the right choices now. I’m sure of it.” She leaned in and kissed him deeply…

He regained consciousness in the back of an ambulance. “What happened?” he asked weakly.

“You fell, Mate. We’re talking you to the hospital.”

“I’m an alcoholic… I need help. Please tell them I said so…” His message delivered, he drifted back to blissful unconsciousness for a little while longer, knowing things were about to change.