I wrote this for a friend and never gave it to her… So now, I’m sharing it with you.
Here is a very long thing I want to say… We are all born vulnerable and as we grow we all get hurt…. That first time no one picks us up when we cry or some kid pulls our hair and we cry and keep on crying because when we are little it’s all we can do. But eventually you have to toughen up, stop crying because if not you can’t function in this world.
So we build these walls to protect us, protect our borders, our personal borders. And we live within them because this world is harsh. It’s full of love and joy and incredible harshness and the harshness sucks so we protect ourselves and that protection helps to dull the pain but also the love and joy. Our wall continues to grow and fortify and each brick is made up of of the things we use to cope. We make our bricks out of fear, hatred, anger, self righteousness, isolation and our views and opinions. In doing the work of building our walls we Become. We build our egoic selves and become attached to this person we percieve ourselves to be.
My work this world is to tear that shit down and learn be vulnerable so I can learn to be truly strong. Not the strength that comes from protecting my ego self but true strength that comes from from allowing my own vulnerability too come to light. So I take each brick and examine every inch of it and hopefully it falls apart under examination. Not all of them do. Some of them are like bones that have been broken and have grown back dense and strong and I have to work with them again and again, maybe for a lifetime. It takes work and a lot courage but it is how I become truly strong.
What takes even more courage is opening myself to even more pain by sharing my journey as openly as possible. I have to because I am that person who overshares. It’s my nature but sharing and facing the pain of judgement and rejection is difficult. Many perceive this open raw unhidden vulnerability to be weakness but it’s the opposite.
The courage to be real, to show your raw bleeding self to the world… A world that only wants to inflict you with pain and sadness. A world whose defenses are, too often, preemptive offenses.
The thing is… I’ve taken a step back lately, a reprieve, if you will… because the hurt is too raw sometimes and you have to recover from it all… But I won’t give in. I’ll strive to live with a courageous heart but…
I could get there faster… If only I wasn’t so tired.